the club-a short story (all chapters posted together)
the club-a story
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
the club-part 1
part 1-chapter 1
she was a regular
at the club
an every couple of weeks
kind of regular
the club always anticipated their arrival
nights were simply more fun when they came
in age not in spirit though
their vibe is contagious
the kindness and being real
they exude
see, she and her friends
they love to move
dance it out
as they say
at the end of the night
worries remain on the floor
they feel more free
when they walk out the door
these friends have lived a life
and then some more
but they band together
from their different worlds
to dance at this club
on these friday nights
they dance like no one's watching
but people do watch
those that don't know
at first judge by their age
seeing what they want to
instead of understanding underneath
the release
the joy
they emit
there is envy
there is jealousy
there is respect
there is love
on this particular night
it has been a tough week
she isn't sure if she feels it
but her friends
they make her go
she walks into the room
and straight to the bar
feeling the beat of the music
her friends bounce to the floor
where they will wait like many times before
she happily greets the bartender
who over the years and times
has become a friend
the tray of shots sits ready
as it always is
at this point
the old lady who dares stand nearby
don’t know who she is
don’t know why she would come
she clearly, clearly
just doesn't belong
behind the bar and pauses
she glances at the girls
decides to wink back
a life earned confidence
standing ready to bring
in the end she accepts
but doesn't at all
the sneering from those girls
see she rises above
she knows it's not worth it
they'll realize with time
their actions
watching the scene
as it unfolds
one of the two is intrigued
she slowly lifts her gaze
briefly
looks away
a flush forms at her neck
as a new song begins
the friends gather round
their familiar huddle
hype themselves up
then carefully stack the glasses
place them back on the tray
she will return to the bar
the boy still watches though
intently and interested
he is young and good looking
his kind eyes speak old soul
he pretends to be involved in the talk
but he can't stop watching
wait
toasts a second shot with her friend
turns her back quietly defiant
to the girls
ready for the night ahead
the boy's puppy eyes wide
she thanks her friend warmly
he smiles in return then
shoos her to go dance
she feels the call to the floor
as her friends circle round again
should she look at him once more
the boy with pretty eyes
she steals that stare
shocked at her own boldness
of looking again
knowing he is watching
the circle begins to widen
they move to the beat
and find space in their breath
he turns to the bartender
who is she
he says incredulously
and quietly
the bartender smiles and responds
just you watch
those mean girls
who think
that they come
on more than one occasion
she and her friends
out dance
out love
everyone here
they feel the music
they are the music
they live the music
they have a good time
he gently says
the ones they say don't fit
it is actually the others though
who watch with disdain
glances through beats
communicating without words
skin tingling with new excitement
she moves to the music
as it seeps into her core
her body almost floats
her friends bear witness
to this new situation
always protective and supportive
but also observe in awe and delight
what happens next
and explore what's to come
on the surface they're so different
age, life and experience
the story their eyes tell
reveals there's more there
do they have the courage to search
to seek what's inside
to learn how they belong
to overcome barriers, challenge and hurt
to love one another
more deeply, more openly
than their past has endured
or
just pass them by
another girl another guy
another friday night
you've had some time
to think
to ponder
and to reflect
what do you think
happened next
well
let me tell you
the night
became more interesting
and complex
as the best nights tend to get
if you have a different
outcome
in your mind
then cherish that
please
it is yours
yours alone to keep
this is the version
that has sat with me
as the story continues
the scene picks up
best friend by Sofi Tucker
is playing
there's lots of chemistry
on the floor
the girls at the bar
yes those ones, decide
that the two boys
beside them
should join their group
on the floor
he walks
intentionally
to the beat of the song
flattered, smiling and confident
he begins to dance
as he strides
to the floor
who are dancing
next to her
with her friends
beside
there is one-sided tension
between the groups
but only mildly so
there’s release
in movement
every beat
thumping
darkness
lights
strobing
catch
glances
throughout
dancing together
fully aware
of the other’s presence
nearby
back to back now
on my knees
by rufus du sol
mixes in
the energy picks up
they look at each other
a sideways glance
then slowly
very slowly
turn towards each other
to dance
they are both shy at first
simply enjoying the music
she feels he feels
outside their own skin
outside their comfort zone
but also oddly at ease
and assured
the beat picks up
both begin to sing
smile broadly, comfortable now
they fit
vibe
in sync
independently one
this moment
both present
this moment
both here
feels totally
and completely
right
this moment
similarities more visible
any differences blend
chemistry is palpable
unafraid
almost
daring
fades away
then all of a sudden
as if
thunder has struck
obtrusively
as if
the lights
flash on
starkly
don't dance with her
come dance with me
beer goggles have you blurred
just leave that hag be
she stands
ever so briefly
embarrassed
ashamed
feel free
to just be
they've witnessed
the intrusion
she motions
just forget it
the friends
they surround
support
love
distract her
make her smile
she keeps dancing
that's what I want
by lil nas x
bursts through
hiding her
embarrassment
she pushes
her shoulders back
finds strength
deep inside she realizes
it felt good
that one moment
it made her feel so alive
she boldly steals a glance now
he is staring at her
in fact he hasn't stopped
looking
torn
conflicted
desire unyielding
unable to move
to do what he wants
stuck on that spot
he’s simply paralyzed
she realizes then
she is wanted
desired even
that moment
it was real, it did happen
she at last greets his eyes
shrugs her shoulders
to say
too bad that happened
too bad you went away
while the night
is coming
to an end
it's still not over
there's still time
last call coming soon
will they find
each other
another moment
again
will there be regret
on his end
wonder what ifs
on hers
or instead
will courage prevail
curiosity unveiled
stay tuned
she and he
was their moment
just that
a moment
that passed
them
by
or
is there more
to their story
do they break
through barriers
to find their way back
to each other
they never lose
sight of where
they are
throughout
the night
at the club
always aware
always glancing
sometimes longer
gazing
curious
having fun with friends
those girls keep
trying too hard
dragging too hard
him and his friend
but they are
uninterested
one girl shamelessly
puts her hand
on his cheek
he gently
but definitively
removes it
excuses himself
at that same moment
she looks up
catches his eye
having seen the exchange
her heart beats outside
a small
shy smile
is shared
they move
slowly
towards
each other
hi
hi
she extends her hand
a confident handshake
nice to meet you
nice to meet you
smile and a kiss on the cheek
both wanting more
with that
the lights turn on
the crowd surrounds
and they each go
their own way
will they ever
ever see each other
again
part 1-chapter 4
a week has passed
since that night
at the club
with her friends
life has continued
routines reestablished
that friday night
a pleasant memory
a fine fall day
she's walking down the street
air pods in ears
she's thinking
she has some time
time to kill
a coffee house
is right here
a latte
sounds really good
such a cute place
but is that the right move
she looks down
at her phone
looks at the clock
realizing that it's 5
maybe a cocktail
is more in order
that actually sounds perfect
she’s thinking where to go
she's pondering this
when
before she knows it
whoops
she has bumped
into someone
pretty hard
actually
completely turned around
ear buds have fallen
phone on the ground
oh shit, I am sorry
oh shit, I am sorry
she hears at the same time
it's my fault
it's my fault
no, it's mine
no, it's mine
she looks up
he looks up
smiling
a flash of recognition
appears
in their eyes
almost instinctually
she covers her mouth
she realizes
her age
they're in broad daylight now
he doesn't even
recognize differences
he's so focused on the fact
that she is standing before him
what are the odds he thinks
they both bend down
retrieve their belongings
confused
whose earbuds
are whose
what song are you listening to
willing to trust by cudi
no, I know, with a smile
I am asking
what you are
belongings are back into place
small talk
the undercurrent is strong
neither wants this moment to end
he asks were you going to get coffee
at this shop right here
well yes but then
I changed my mind
oh
I realized I wanted a drink instead
oh! where are you headed
is it okay to ask
of course it is
down the street actually
would you like some company
are you sure?
like absolutely sure?
there's no pressure
none at all
I mean...
I mean...
are you kidding?
like actually kidding?
is all he says
in reply
ok
ok
let's go
let's go
the story
it doesn't
end
here
in fact it's just
the beginning
the best you see
is to come
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
part 1-chapter 5
she
he
walk down the street
he on the outside
she on the inside
both
goofy smiling
both
still surprised
that this is happening
trepidation
nerves
inwardly
happier
than she's been in awhile
excitement
shock
don't want to fuck this up
more nervous
than he's been in awhile
they look up
smile at each other
begin to talk
at the same time
laugh
they get to the bar
finally
both wanting to sit
drink liquid courage
just enough though
he opens the door
she walks through
making sure the door
doesn't close
on him
she likes this place
and hopes he does too
she is comfortable here
feeling confident
butterflies too
she figures
I'll have one drink
then go
haven't done this in a minute
don't want to assume
he figures
I'll have one drink
then go
don't want her to think
I am too much
they take seats at the bar
she finds a place for her purse
swings her jacket on the stool
takes off her beanie
phone next to her
gets herself situated
he sits down
keenly aware of her actions
glancing at her
amused
she notices and gently hits him
what?
they look at the menu
it's a menu kind of place
beer?
cocktail?
wine?
torn
he orders a beer
an IPA
she orders a cocktail
something with vodka
dry not too sweet
talk comes easily
they talk about
that friday night
at the club
and those girls
she pokes fun
in a good natured way
he asks her questions
about her friends
both surprised at how easy
conversation flows
they talk
movies
tv
books
arguing playfully
top 5
flirtatiously heated
time moves quickly
A-O-K by Tai Verdes
playing
fitting for the mood
drink almost gone
they start drinking more slowly
not wanting this to end
does it need to end?
another drink?
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
part 1-chapter 6
another round?
says the bartender
they look at each other
she
he
a brief moment passes
both remembering
their original plan
one drink
then go
one more
can't hurt
they both think
sure
sure
one fine day
by david byrne and brian eno
plays
she says
I love this song
he says me too
both surprised that
they have a lot in common
but just enough
some good differences
too
the age disparity
hinted at
teased at
but not directly
addressed yet
of course
there is
side eye
by some
watching the two
she has
a youthful face
his old soul
glistens
with his smile
because of this
they are left alone mostly
curiosity left
to glances
by onlookers
feeling self-conscious
all of the sudden
she doesn't want
to be misunderstood
misperceived
I don't do this
she says
what don't you do
he says
this
oh
he looks down
oddly touched
not wanting to show it
still looking down
he says quietly
why now then
I'm not really sure
she says with a shy smile
I'm sort of surprised
at myself actually
blushing now
for what it's worth
I don't do this very much either
yeah right
she says with a laugh
seriously
oh, you mean
like me
what do you mean
like you
she gives him
a knowing look
she wants to ask
why me?
why now for you
is this odd
because it is so unlike me
am I doing this all wrong
but it feels pretty natural too
instead
he wants to say
I know how it may seem
but I am not that kind of guy
this is new
for both of us
and it is amazing
but scary as fuck too
instead
I like this song
me too
many times by dijon
is playing now
what kind of music
do you listen to
conversation continues
to flow
he plays guitar
acoustic mostly
listens to music
constantly
she loves all music
except maybe country
listens to music
constantly
they talk about family now
each have a parent
no longer here
a quiet understanding
of how hard it is to
lose someone
they don't go towards
harder conversations
too soon
for both
especially for her
he remembers
what the bartender said
about her
all he knows
all she knows
is that they are in the moment
phones tucked away
rise by eddie vedder
in the background
playing at the bar
which is more crowded now
both
wanting to continue this
this crazy
spontaneous night
she's really hungry
he's absolutely starving
would you want to
have dinner with me tonight?
.JPG)
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
part 1-chapter 7
wow
wow
we are doing this
we are leaving here
this safe place of sorts
it's warm
it's easy
going to a restaurant
feels more real now
intentional
excited and a little giddy
what kind of vibe
what kind of place
what kind of food
who cares?
well actually she does
he does too
she is starving
and he is too
things are going well
both don't want anything to change that
or this, whatever this is
it has to be the right place
there's a restaurant nearby
he says
a neighborhood favorite
good food, good atmosphere
wanna try it?
I'm up for anything
she says, meaning it
their fingers graze
each other
as they walk on the street
him on the outside
her on the inside
not a far walk
to the restaurant
and
she trips
as she is wont to do
grabs onto his jacket
are you okay?
they laugh and look at each other
I am a bit clumsy, don't mind me
what can I say, more laughter
do you live around here
yeah not too far
just a couple of blocks
how about you
a bit farther but not too much
they reach their destination
the journey having been
part of the adventure
what's next
reservation?
actually no, is that okay?
let me see what we've got
hmm...why don't you follow me this way
it's a...
table
in a weird location
kinda near the kitchen
loud and too close to people
the restaurant is nice though
they check in with each other
without saying a word
this feels odd
shoved away
neither wants to say anything because
does it really matter where they sit
by chance is there another table somewhere?
I know it's last minute
a little put off but sensing the occasion
the host looks around and
finds something else
this one is better
a bit of relief
rolls off their shoulders
feeling comfortable
meaning more
than they realized would matter
actually to both of them
the waiter comes to the table
hands them their menus
as she is once again
getting herself situated
in her chair
they both look up
give their drink orders
this time wine for her
and he follows suit
at the same time
they say desperately
bread
do you have any
bread
any at all
they both laugh
I am so sorry she says
we are
just absolutely starving
sure thing the waiter says
it'll be extra if that's okay
yes, yes of course
that's fine
giggling now
they'd pay fifty dollars
for bread
for anything right now
the interesting part
of this night
so far
both are completely
present
in the moment
enjoying the company
enjoying getting to know
someone new
sitting comfortably
relaxed at their table
last perfect bites
a shared dessert
an after dinner drink (or two)
calvados for both
every grain of sand
by bob dylan
plays beautifully
in the background
accenting their mood
they have known each other
for a long time
conversation comes easily
with comfortable silences mixed in
they often check
each other's reactions
when they say something
aware
compassionate
face down on the table
they are blowing up
trying to reach them
their friends though
have no clue
how this day
has turned out
it is their secret
being alone reduces the pressure
allows them
their simple moment
the present
the now
then dipping back out
to safer ground
both truly
enjoying the company
as it feels oddly right
there have been a few times
differences have come to light
but both are sensitive, not wanting
to not make those the focus
she being more self-conscious than he
in truth though
the biggest difference
their ages
hasn’t felt as obvious
as they both thought it might
given the span is more than just a few years
only in certain reference points
does it come up
and when it does
she blushes
he laughs
a flirting acknowledgment of the obvious
then they move on
he has made it clear
it isn't an issue for him
he has made it clear
that he is interested
no games
numbers exchanged
social media shared
as part of the conversation
his foot
side by side
hers
under the table
touching
but only
subtly so
the bird
by anderson .paak
plays now
in the background
he takes in her being
the way she carries herself
confident, engaging and funny
extroverted, like in the club
there is also something
puzzling
quietly
guarded
she's open
with emotions
wears feelings on her sleeve
but she is holding back
there's definitely something
she's introverted in a way
strong but vulnerable too, careful
he finds her beautiful
inside and out as he secretly observes
if anything her age provides depth
it's refreshing to connect
on a deeper level
than he has with others his age
more life lived
he guesses
and really she doesn't look much older
people wouldn't guess her age
with her clunky black boots
her flared jeans and cute top
stylish without trying too hard
he is naturally drawn to her
and her, him
he doesn't show his surprise
when she quietly mentions
the year of her birth
it doesn't affect things much for him
inside she believes that may only be true
for now
in response
rolling her eyes
hand on forehead
oh god, she laughs
after some time
this feels good, he says
it really does, she replies
I haven't laughed this hard in awhile
gee thanks she jokes
you know what I mean
I do, I do
he takes the bill
when it comes to the table
may I
he says
I'd really like to pay
if it's okay with you
thank you
they walk outside
the restaurant
as hymn for the weekend
by coldplay begins
the night chill
startling
brings them
instinctively towards each other
neither wanting
the evening to end
neither wanting
to be presumptuous
or rush
a single moment
I'd really like
to see you again
whispered
I'd really love
that too
shared shy smile
they are close now
he reaches for a hug
they fit
almost nuzzling
the chemistry
it's so palpable
feels like they did when they danced
only better
their faces are close
taking their breath away ever so slightly
she's feeling in ways
she hasn't felt in a long time
he's surprised at how good
it feels to be this close to her
in the dark, stars above
as cars drive by, it's warm
they can barely speak
wow
yeah
I feel it too
you aren't alone in this
wow
tingly
flushed
static shock
as their skin grazes
chin to forehead
close now
a bit unexpected
at how amazing it feels
almost paralyzed in their stance
scary as fuck too
after what seems like minutes
neither wanting to move
to break the trance
this dance
she walks away
quickly
so she doesn't change her mind
wiping a hidden tear away
knowing she has ruined
the best night she's had in a year
almost exactly
she just can't
she can't get hurt
not again
it's too much
a year that feels like yesterday
she needs to protect herself
she rattles all of the reasons in her head
ending with
he'd regret it anyway
but it felt so right
shit
her heart tugs
the tears fall
he stands
on the street
mouth agape
confused at what just happened
she hasn't run in months
let's be honest
she totally never runs
but she's running
in more ways than one
the fresh, cool air
feels good in her lungs
run for your life
by the seige
plays in her ears
this is fitting
she starts to sprint
trying to push away
how she's feeling
denial
it's the only way to go
it's not just a river in egypt
she chuckles to herself
he texted her
last night
are you okay
did you make it home
she didn't reply
though she tried
many, many times
she really wanted to
she’s sure he saw
three dots
easier to pretend
last night didn't happen
but
it
did
shut up she tells herself
blasting now on her airpods
perfect
by rihanna plays next
old school
I really should work out more
she misses this playlist
though it’s a bit random
not unlike me
I guess
keep reminding her
keep bringing last night
back into focus
I screwed it up
she tells herself
she knows that's not entirely true
but still she pushes hope away
last last by burna boy
plays as she moves her head
I am good
I am good
bad habit by steve lacy
I need coffee
I literally ran into him
that was so incredible
shut up
moving on
we connected
it felt really good
to be that close
no
no
maybe?
by the stranglers
her phone dings
she stops
reads it again
and again
quickly
throws her doubts to the side
actually doesn't think at all
shoot, ready, aim
hits send
instinctively anxious
lovin' me by
kid cudi (w/phoebe bridgers)
can you meet for coffee?
already walking out the door
both smile
a new day
hi
hi
hug
it's really good to see you
I'm so so sorry about last night
stop that right now
are you okay?
yes, I ran this morning!!!!
laughter
how far did you go?
haha I don't know
I don't really run
more laughter
it felt good though
cleared my head
your text came at the perfect time
let's get some coffee
- - - - - - - - -
a week or so has passed
since their coffee
she
he
have been in touch
experiencing the flutter
of getting to know one another
busy week for both
daily life continues
their lives move forward independently
with welcome breaks
when one or the other reaches out
wants to take things slowly
she is careful
wants to take things slowly
but they naturally grow closer
it just happens
organically
a text here
a facetime call there
easy conversations
butterflies
they think about each other
often throughout the day
without realizing they are
it's like they've known each other
far longer than they actually have
but still with miles to explore
and pieces to puzzle
she has shared a bit
with her friends
especially the ones
from the club
as has he
but mostly they keep
details to themselves
she has invited him to dinner
tonight, a friday night
her friends couldn't go to the club
and she is free
she is actually going to cook for him
seemed like a good idea at the time
what have I done
she thinks out loud, smiling
she does love to cook
it relaxes her
she has missed cooking for someone
cooking for one
just isn't as fun
she likes creating the setting
lights a candle
pours a glass of wine
sets the recipe out
ingredients
music up loud
she never cooks without it
the recipe for tonight?
chicken saltimbocca
meaning literally
jump into the mouth
yum
she's really nervous
hasn't done this
in a minute
not since
not since
this is the first time
we will be alone
really alone
she's pumped too
he's really nervous
god I haven't been like this before
what's the big deal
this is ridiculous
it's dinner
this is the first time
we will be alone
really alone
he's pumped too
she has set her space
she's cooking now
kids by mgmt plays
she's dancing
maybe more than she's cooking
at the moment
she's having a blast
this feels really good
there's a lightness
an ease
space
she doesn't hear him
come to the door
someone let him in the building
her door is a little ajar
he hears the music
doesn't know what to do
do I knock?
do I walk in?
this is really awkward
he laughs at his indecision
he knocks
no answer
knocks again
nothing
knocks, opens door, speaks up
nothing
just music
kitchen sounds
he sees her
stands for a brief moment
taking the image in
dancing
puttering
cooking, it smells good
so beautifully goofy
she's happy
that smile
wow
um, hi?
the door was ope...
aahhhhh!!!!
sorry I tried to...
holy shit!!!
she screams
she jumps
mid-dance
both smiling
brief beat passes
he thinks
well actually
he doesn't think
neither does she
they spontaneously start to dance
laughing now
releasing their anxious energy
kids still playing
they are quite a sight to see
dancing, singing
around her kitchen
meal prep clearly placed on hold
when was the last time
this happened
she thinks
it feels so good
just to let go
not care about what I look like
dancing
this is such a bizarre but awesome way
to begin the night
he thinks
it feels really good
just to let go
not care about what I look like
dancing
glass animals by heat wave
comes on
the beat is a little slower
emotions still high
they move closer
she trips on her own foot
falls to the ground
she starts laughing
really hard
he bends down giggling
are you okay?
her laughter continues
as does his but then
hers changes
sounds a little different now
he notices a tear
whoa, what's wrong
oh my god
I am so sorry
I am so stupid, everything is fi...
she starts to get up
no, no what's going on?
he stills her
they are close now
face to face
seated
on the ground
his hands on her cheeks
wiping the tear away with his thumb
watching her closely
he may not know her very well
he does know
he doesn't like to see her sad
you must think I am crazy she whispers
no, no I don't
please talk to me
please don't run away again
this is my apartment she grins quietly
you know what I mean he gently nudges
she takes a deep breath
and very quietly but assuredly says
being close
is hard for me
I have been hurt
really hurt
I'm not ready to really talk about it
not many know
I come apart by a$ap rocky
plays as she continues
it's easier
just easier if I don't allow myself
to be totally vulnerable
to allow
people
in
but then
meeting you
just everything about it
how and where
then running into you on the street
literally
literally he echoes
it's made me realize how much
I miss being close to someone
I get excited when I hear from you
I feel like there is so much to learn about you
explore
she feels self-conscious now
guillotine by jon bellion plays next
she has put a lot out there
she's terrified she's scared him away
but he's still sitting there with her
holding her
compassion in his eyes
steady
I am older
so much older
my body is different
it wouldn't work
so why even try
and tonight?
fuck
I have ruined the first real date
I have had in so long
I have literally vomited all this heavy stuff
literally
vomited
all
over
you
when all I wanted
was to laugh and make you dinner
maybe steal some kisses
so I should just let...
everything is okay
he says with a grin
very quietly
deep breaths
we are good
this is good
just breathe by pearl jam
plays
what I know is this
I like talking to you
I like dancing with you
I don't like seeing you conflicted
and I want to learn more
everything I can
honestly I haven't felt
this connected to someone
so
can we please
not worry about anything
farther out than this night
and just be together
just be
let's have this wine I brought
and I can help you cook
well, I am not really a good cook
but I will help or at least try
he kisses her gently
on the forehead
sparks
they help each other stand
more than life by whitley plays
a deep hug is shared
the connection
the intensity
wow
he holds her face
their eyes smiling
intimately
they kiss tentatively
then again more, just more
both taken aback
by how good it feels
they regain control
let's cook
up, up and away by cudi
a text comes through
she doesn't see it though
her phone is on silent
it's her friend
one from the club
the text says, please call
I need your help
what a night
what a meal
a bottle of wine
candles
music playing continuously
right now
all is whole by whitley
well, the whole album
titled the submarine
non-stop conversation
laughter
a date for the books
then
they are clearing the dishes
she goes to her phone
to figure out music
and sees
missed messages
missed calls
her club group
is trying to reach her
heart stuck in her throat now
something is clearly wrong
oh no
no no no
breathing in
she finds she can't breathe out
feels like minutes pass by
the pressure mounts
in her chest
she can't stop holding her breath
it's all coming back
no no no
this can't be happening to her
exhale she thinks
exhale she thinks
deep breath
she needs to be strong
she is strong
concerned
immediately at her side
she looks up not realizing
he's next to her
hand on the small of her back
what is it
she says calmly but rapidly
she's at the hospital
I've got to go
I need to be with her
something happened
something bad
everything's a mess here
but I need to go to her
now
without a beat
he says
c'mon, let's go
they get to the hospital
in what feels like years
and just moments
at the same time
time
he's unsure about coming inside
doesn't want to intrude
can't imagine leaving her side
wants to support her
torn
she's texting but leans on him
magnetic even then
very intently
breathing in
breathing out
terrified
fuck
my phone is about to die
I got this he says
give me your keys
where's your charger
helpful
time stops briefly
she looks at him
their shared look
says more than words
will ever communicate
intimate
he holds her face
her eyes
wounded
brave
focused
he kisses her forehead
go he whispers
thank you she replies
I'm so sor -
their dinner feels like miles and
a dream away
no, please don't apologize
connected
she runs into the ER
finds her friends
they hug
tears flow
together
information shared
understanding what has happened
not understanding at the same time
how could this have happened
collection
they get ready to go see T.
only two at a time
she lets some go before her
she's not ready yet
remembering
one friend goes
two stay with her
one couldn't catch a train so late
she observes their group
realizes how different they all are
varying backgrounds
varying lives
together though
through it all
love
just then
the bartender from the club
comes running in
stares at her
a knowing look
gives her a hug
you okay?
he's whispering
I'm sure this bring you back
I'm okay, focused only on T.
compassion
he goes to the others
E. comes back to the waiting room
stares directly at her
are you ready for this?
it's not pretty
we'll get through this though
she's going to be okay
like you
like me she thinks
strength
her thought is only on her friend
what she's been through
different but similar
nightmare
a long road ahead
what's wrong with this world
what's wrong with people
haunted
she digs deep
she faces the fear
she's about to confront
she faces the past
a version in front of her
resolved
she walks to the door
stops
takes a large inhale
exhales
she faces the friend
who needs her
she's there
present
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
____________________________________________________________________________________________
the club-part 2
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
part 2-chapter 1
T.
she lays in a hospital bed
lights are so damn bright
through her eyelids
she squints
squeezing her eyes closed
lots of noises
beeps and voices
hard to focus
her surroundings
not easily discernible
T. slowly opens her eyes
it takes a minute
for her to realize where she is
she moves a little and realizes
she can't move freely
confused
T. is not alone
she feels almost outside herself
she sees her friend sitting next to her
wiping a tear away defiantly
what's going on, she wonders
T. goes to speak
ouch, that hurts
she groans ever so quietly
her friend looks up
fear, love and anticipation
all in one expression
they lock eyes
oh, oh, oh
it all comes back to T.
she looks down and around her
she remembers why she's there
she remembers what happened
fuck
she, her friend jumps up
holds her hand gently but firmly
she is here
in fact they all are here
gesturing towards the door
waiting
she's so sorry
this has happened
me too, T. whispers
me too
but I'll be okay
I am okay, she reiterates
T. tries to get up
she wants to go home
she just wants to leave
everything will be better
once she gets out of there
whoa, slow down
her friend says
at the same time
pain sears
in body and heart
she just wants this all to go away
her friend goes to leave the room
she's getting the doctor
please, please don't leave
there can only be two at a time in the room
don't worry, you're not alone
time passes
minutes that feel like hours
friends gather around her
when they are able
the doctor sees his patient
the police take her statement
she
her friend from the club
takes charge of the situation
in a strong but caring way
even makes her smile
T. sees her talking to someone
well she thinks it's her
off in the distance
am I seeing things?
where am I again?
he's handing her something
maybe it's not her
who is that guy
she wonders aloud to her friends
he looks familiar
my eyes are so tired
maybe I should just rest
doesn't wait for an answer
middle of the night, in fact
she's finally able to go home
her friends have made a plan
which is good because she can't think
about anything
she
will take her home
get her settled
spend the rest of the night
with her
thank god for my friends
where do I go from here?
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
part 2-chapter 2
easy does it
easy does it
each say aloud
friends
unlikely maybe
at first
bonded even more
now
both still in shock
they walk through the door
to her apartment
relief
emotions unravel
a safe place
important to feel
waves of emotions
various
fueled
feeling it all
hurts badly and yet
allows space for healing
holding each other
T.
she
under a blanket
she strokes T.'s hair
head in her lap
candles lit
song for the waiting
by aron wright plays
breathing more deeply now
T. closes her eyes
finally
she feels T.'s body
relax
finally
she
checks her phone
sees messages
they can wait
I need sleep
to deal with what I have coming
before she nods off
she does check one message
she stares at it, heart flutters
takes a moment
to take in the evening
all of it
the good
the bad
the ugly
there is hope there
and that?
that feels pretty freaking amazing
___________________
she is awake first
T. still sleeping
she straightens
starts a load of wash
makes a cup of coffee, maybe two
it's saturday
she sends an update
the sun is shining
friends are waking up
checking in
reaching out
puts on atlantis
by seafret
that's the vibe
all the sudden she hears
a weak yelp
T. is trying to get up
she
goes to her
sits on her bed
how are you, like really
I'm sore as shit
but happy to be home
I still can't believe that happened
I am so, so sorry
I know, I know
it just really sucks
what do you remember
a lot and so little at the same time
to face this
relying on herself
was walking down the street
after leaving the restaurant
feeling so good
caught off guard
someone
they came from behind
yanked me aside roughly
didn’t understand
what was happening
my mind blank
basic instincts
I fought
he hit me
he was angry
kept feeling him
on me
hitting
intense fear
so pissed too
I didn't know what to do
I froze
I just remember feeling panic
couldn't believe what was happening
he was slapping me around
I said I don't have any cash
I never carry any
you know I don't carry cash
I mean who does anymore
but that frustrated him more
someone came, that’s right
next thing I remember
I was in the hospital
I guess
I must've texted
or called
cause you all came
shit I am so fucking lucky
it could have been so much worse
so, so much worse
I was pretty out of it, T. continues
I remember people coming
to see me
I need to face that fear
not let it control me
at the same time
fuck, fear
did I see you
at some point
outside my room
I mean later in the night
talking to a guy
he was handing you something?
she's looking like herself
she's going to be okay
by vhs collection
in the background
can be shared
the buzzer rings
T. grins
you aren't off the hook
you know
she
blushes
looks up mischievously
saved by the bell
for now
for now
in truth though
sometimes it's hard
to share details
trust, investment
it's a risk
after all
E., S., N. all arrive
hands full
all a flutter
she answers the door
T. tries to get up
they all drop their things
go to her immediately
all talking at once
hugs
tears
general fawning
she
gives them their time
to love on T.
changes the music
ode to a conversation stuck in my throat
by Del Water Gap
E. then
goes straight to the kitchen
unloads the bags
bagels and cream cheese
lox, tomatoes, capers, whatnot
each has their favorite order
arranges everything on a platter
pretty
places flowers in a jar
that brightens the room
E. thinks aloud
she's a mom after all
making her the natural mother
to these friends too
every group has one
S. took the train in
this morning
they met her at the station
she immediately sits
right next to T.
starts asking
medical questions
a doctor
at her core
assesses the injuries
healing time estimates
S. couldn't come to the hospital
so she's catching up best she can
asking easy to answer questions
gently giving
power back to T.
without T. even realizing it
each friend
doing their thing
to help
support
find control
in a situation
that makes them
feel so completely
out of control
N. joins E. in kitchen
they've known each other
the longest
several years now
they met working
at the same spot in college
E. gives N. a hug
sensing she needs one
N. struggles with ways
to find that control
she's the youngest of the crew
harder for her than others
it's late morning now
they are sprawled out
manage to fit
snuggled in
having eaten
having shared
blankets
pillows
everywhere
ooh la la
by faces plays
the sun is streaming
into her tiny, cozy
apartment
the warmth though
comes from the
friends inside
real love there
they reminisce
about their friendship
how it started
at the studio called
being yoga downtown
all those years ago
before partnerships
before break ups
before real life
before everything
5 women
different backgrounds
different lives
7 a.m. hot yoga
once a week then
saturday 9 a.m.
worked its way in
a shared experience
they started coming a little early
to catch up
on each other's worlds
it so begins
each have
their own history
own friends
own families
own careers
own existence
but they also
have each other
a bonus group
like no other
a big debate now
whose idea
friday nights
at the club was
each wanting credit
for the tradition
they argue playfully
loudly laughing
E., whose idea it really was,
sits quietly
enjoying the moment
a distraction away
away from
what has happened
that's where I am by maggie rogers
plays now
she
sits to the side
quietly tapping on her phone
he
has been in touch
checking in on
her friend too
he's comfortably
respectful of her space
yet attentive
caring just enough
away from it all
allows herself to remember
their kiss
their night
when she does
they all notice
her face changes
each with their own reaction to this
that fits their personality
unspoken
protective, optimistic, hopeful, wary
for she
T. says quietly
a little choked up
I need to go out
I need to face...this
face this
this fear
that has settled
in my chest
afraid it is here to stay
to stay
she
says then,
picking up on what T. needs
hey let's go out quick
I need to hit the store
pick up something anyway
fresh air will do us
all some good
it's such a beautiful day
fluorescent adolescent by arctic monkeys plays
the friends
they look at each other
yes
let's do this
N. says, I also need to pick up
ingredients for the soup
I am making you T.
so this is perfect
S. says I'll help you chop
we can get crusty bread too, E. adds
I don't have any plans today
me neither they agree
I can take a late train back, says S.
let's plan to cook
binge a show
maybe a movie
relax
nap
be together
sound good?
they get themselves ready
as they walk out the door
T. stops
T. pauses
they all see it
glance at each other
lock arms
N. says, it's okay T.
you got this
we got you
we got you
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
part 2-chapter 4
hi
hi there
can I see you
yes please
soon?
so soon
I'd really like that
me too
both
very invested
now
she
came home on Sunday
after spending
the weekend with T.
she was dreading
having to clean
the aftermath
of friday night's dinner
she procrastinated
walking through her door
knowing how
the next hour would be spent
she longed for her personal space
going home meant
feeling the closeness
of that night
exhilarating and yet
terrifying as well
it also meant
cleaning
days old
dirty dishes
crusty food
wine stained glasses
yuck
instead though
she unlocked the door
and to her amazement
she found her apartment
neat
in its own way
kitchen spotless
place straightened
flowers in a water glass
when he came back to get the charger
he must have cleaned everything
taken garbage out
wow
now that makes me want him
even more
she laughs
she's touched by his thoughtfulness
she texts him right away
thank you so, so much
that was over the top nice of you
like, really
thank you
no problem
no big deal at all
no one should come home
to a messy kitchen
especially after what happened
hope it was a good surprise
it really, really was
since that weekend
their routine
has evolved
they facetime
they text
they grab a meal
they make time for each other
when their schedules allow
and when they don't too
they are connected
but independent
they have shared
tough moments
many laughs
vulnerabilities too
warts and all
first kisses
first time making love
first heart broken
first time breaking hearts
they have shared
they take time to
have fun
explore
their favorites
the city provides
secret spots
a playground to share
a balance
always
everything
their worlds expanded
bright
she
cautiously hopeful
scared as fuck
excited
he
ever curious
knows he wants more
she
knows she has to be honest about her past
he
knows she is holding back
both desire
the other
intensely
one saturday night
he
she
in her apartment
candles lit
takeout containers strewn
good nights by whethan playing
another beautiful night
relaxed
laughter
so, so fun
they stand in her kitchen
he spritzes water on her
while he helps with the dishes
she spritzes him back playfully
he takes the dish towel
dries her face
then
he kisses her
softly at first
more deeply after
they kiss for a long time
then slowly
clumsily
move to the couch
don't quite make it
they land on the floor
laughter
both
wanting more
very
ready
before anything, she thinks
mind goes blank
this feels good
before we...pops in her mind
distracted again
wow
okay
before this...
happens
I need...
finally she pauses
takes a deep breath
hard for him
harder for her
face to face now
she looks down
then up into his eyes
quietly
with inner strength
with inner confidence
she talks to him
see the world
by gomez plays
I need to tell you something
something that's hard for me to share
something many don't know
you might run
once I tell you about this
please don't worry
if you need to go
it will be okay
I will be okay
it's a part of me
it doesn't define me
but it is a part of me
and will be forever
she continues
even as its effects lessen over time
like waves on the shore
they will always wash up
sometimes crashing
sometimes gently
imprints though
are left in the sand
I am not ashamed anymore
I have come a long way
with a lot of support
with a lot of help
it is a part of my past though
and
you need to know
it's only fair
this
you and me
whatever this is
it's still new
it's beautiful
and raw
I forgot how good it feels
to have someone in my life like this
you make me feel things
I haven't felt in a long time
and that alone is amazing
please know
I am not going to put this on you
no hard feelings
if the baggage
is too heavy
I promise
he replies
I am here
whatever it is
I am here
to listen
I am here
with an open mind
you are safe
starting very slowly
she begins
my last relationship
it ended
very badly
I guess it was always
leading up to it
I ignored
all the warning signs
I refused to see what was right in front of me
for many reasons
I realize now
it took one really bad night
for me to find the courage
to make a change
he hurt me
in many ways
my scars
they run deep
scars
on my heart and on my skin
that one particular night
a year ago now
she barely gets the words out
and then it ended
finally
finally
she speaks some more
details that you can imagine
history
insight into her world
the aftermath
why she is the way she is now
white ferrari by frank ocean
in the background
tears stream down her face
as she is talking
but she is getting it out
she's explaining
everything she needs to say
as she tells him her story
he listens openly
his eyes never once leave her
tears well up in his eyes
as he hears
what she's been through
you see
it is all too familiar to him
because of his mom
he doesn't share that though
this is her story
but the depth in his eyes
it's there for a reason
he has scars too
he remembers once again
what the bartender said
that first night
he must know
he thinks
I am glad
she trusts him
she continues
I want to be close
I want to share
I want to give myself
all of me
it's just extra
extra hard
my response is to flee
always
but I don't want to run
not from this
not from you
no matter what happens
in our future
if we end tomorrow
or not
he pauses
of course he does
it's only natural
it's a moment
fleeting
there is a lot here
this is a lot
I'm still so young
so young
she recognizes
this moment
uncharacteristically
she allows the pause
allows the present moment
knows what she deserves
knows how good it can be
but he has to be all in
it's up to him
it's quiet now
a deep breath
he
she
no music plays
he realizes he can't leave her
this
they stare into each other's eyes
an intimate moment
compassion in his face
private
together
safe
his hands on her cheeks
sitting on the ground
they are close
thank you
he says softly
thank you?
yes, thank you
for trusting me
for sharing your story
you gave me a gift tonight
I will hold that very close
you have been through so much
you are so strong
so brave
and so very beautiful
inside and out
it helps me understand you
know you better
the puzzle pieces fit a bit more now
bluefish season by nick cianci plays
you are who you are
because of everything
you have been through
I want to know all of you
not just the shiny parts
but all of you
I want to share all of me too
and I want to know all of you
your scars
all parts
all parts
he kisses her
he wants her to know
he is there
he is present
he wants this
he wants her
badly
he kisses both of her cheeks
he kisses her forehead
he kisses her shoulders
she kisses both of his cheeks
she kisses his forehead
she kisses his shoulders
he shyly
accepts this response
they are equal
they are their own people
interconnected too
one
I am not running away
I am right here
you can let me in
if you are ready
only if you are ready
both hungry now
you can trust me
you can trust me too
let me love you
let me love you back
and they do
all. night.
the morning
by the weekend
part 2-chapter 5
it's been six months
back to their routine
tonight is friday night
they are back at the club
they are regulars
at the club
an every couple of weeks
kind of regular
the club always anticipates their arrival
nights are simply more fun when they come
these friends have lived a life
and then some more
they band together
E.
S.
T.
N.
she
together on the dance floor
it took some time
to get T. back
it took a village
and some professional help
of course
T. is there tongiht
feeling herself finally
they dance like no one's watching
but people do watch
those that don't know
at first may judge by their age
seeing what they want to
instead of understanding underneath
the release
the joy
they emit
there is respect
there is love
that only time and experience
has deepened
on this particular night
like many times before
she
walks into the room
and straight to the bar
feeling the beat of the music
her friends bounce to the floor
where they wait
like many times before
she happily greets the bartender
who over the years and times
has become a friend
the tray of shots sits ready
as it always is
at this point
this friday night though
instead of petty girls
he
is at the bar
with his friends
chatting with the bartender
the bartender is his friend too now
the tray of shots waiting
he
a huge grin on his face
watching her walk up
she feels good
a life earned confidence
she's here at her place
with her friends
with him
she carries the tray to the floor
as I gotta feeling by black eyed peas begins
the friends gather round
their familiar huddle
hyping themselves and each other
then carefully stack the glasses
place them back on the tray
she returns to the bar
drops off the tray
toasts a second shot with her friend
he
also joins in the second shot
they
ready for the night ahead
the circle begins to widen
they move to the beat
and find space in their breath
they are the music
they live the music
they have a good time
even after this span of time
she and he
still have many
pieces to puzzle
though there is shape
to what they are building
it certainly isn't tidy
but there is shape
that moves
like the beat of the song
this night
she moves to the music
as it seeps into her core
her body almost floats
to the floor
with her eyes
with her movements
he smiles
from deep inside
age, life and experience
the story their eyes tell
reveals there's more there
anyone can see the chemistry
between them
it's so fucking palpable
they have shown
the courage
to search
to seek what's inside
to learn how they belong
to overcome barriers, challenge and hurt
to love one another
more deeply, more openly
than their pasts have endured
their circle is wider
their circle is brighter
who knows what the future holds
for this group
at the club
but right now that doesn't matter
because this moment
this moment
it's everything.
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
she
alone
in her apartment
diptyque candle lit
the scent intoxicating
wafts through
her tiny apartment
she's listening to a playlist
it's varied
it's scattered
it speaks to her though
in this moment
it's what she needs
she feels many emotions
not just one
about any particular thing
she has many parts of herself
and as bob dylan says
she can only be her, whoever that is
she breathes
deeply
creating space
she stretches
allowing that space
into the nooks and crannies
hidden in her body
rosa parks by outkast
chanel by frank ocean
where the wild roses grow by nick cave & the bad seeds
death with dignity by sufjan stevens
this playlist
needs serious help
she thinks
wow
it could not be more random
or is it
her mind flutters
I have to get going
they are waiting for me
maybe I'll just stay in
I don't want to go
I don't want to be in that space
I don't feel free
I don't feel like myself
I don't want to let go
I am not in the mood
she'd rather stay home
curled up on the couch
watching movies
under a blanket
hoodie on
head covered
she's had a shitty few weeks
he's gone
crazy but true
other changes too
she doesn't want to talk
easier to hold it all in
she needs to get ready
they are waiting
her friends
her people
this is their thing
maybe it'll help
on goes
really love by d'angelo and the vanguard
she stands
she sways
she vibes
simply
she begins
overthrown by pinegrove
stirs inside
it awakens the parts
the parts that have crawled back inside
she's been fully inside herself
these last few weeks, until now
at the club
an every couple of weeks
kind of regular
the club always anticipates their arrival
nights are simply more fun when they come
in age not in spirit though
their vibe is contagious
the kindness and being real
they exude
see, she and her friends
they love to move
dance it out
as they say
at the end of the night
worries remain on the floor
they feel more free
when they walk out the door
these friends have lived a life
and then some more
but they band together
from their different worlds
to dance at this club
on these friday nights
this night though
it's several months later
much has changed
let's not go there yet
we're not ready
she'll be with her friends
but the guy
that guy won't be there
the one with the kind eyes
the one she thought might be the one
when she let her dreams become real
maybe he is the one
she won't ever know
it's better though
to love and lose
than never to have loved at all
that's the quote right?
she has felt loss before
this feels worse
she allowed herself the feelings
the emotions
it means it was real
is real?
fuck, I need to dance this out
she walks in
E.
S.
T.
N.
together
she happily greets the bartender
who over the years and times
has become a friend
the tray of shots sits ready
as it always is
at this point
traditions continue
the nights change
as the night changes
familiar
different
too
sprinter by dave & central cee
she
starts
feels the beat
the bass
it's speaking to her
rush by troye sivan plays
she smiles
lightness begins to hit
each cell of her body
she didn't realize
how much this would help
it feels good
in her own world
eyes closed
simply moving
music flowing
inside
through
around
her
then
slowly
she opens her eyes
sensing something
she meets his eyes
those eyes
searching
finding
-photo by Gayle Oshrin
a feeling
a sensation
something
knowing
underneath
unexpected
and expected
a stillness overcomes
a surety
anticipatory confidence
she opens her eyes
very slowly
raising her head
finally
she meets his eyes
time seemingly stops
those kind eyes
magnets
sparklers and home
soulful
layers deep
they lock
each unwilling to look away
intensely aware of the other
the gaze between them
the intensity
palpable
her body
responds
his body
responds
her eyes
searching
his eyes
searching
seeing
finding
what she has missed
yearned for
longed for
even when she tried to deny
that she did
communicating in ways
words would never be able to express
the weeks apart
unrecognizable
desire simply boundless
between them
the club disappears
the background blends
they are the only ones
the music only theirs
unspoken words say more than the spoken
she keeps hearing beyond by leon bridges
even though doja cat is playing
she
he
they have been moving
towards each other
intentional steps
not looking anywhere
but to each other
finding the other
in each other
solid footing
their friends observing
not interrupting
not even speaking to each other
letting the moment occur
letting their moment happen
as it is meant to be
aware of the acute chemistry
between them
he hears the moody blues
nights in white satin
even though beyonce plays
they are in their own world
potent intimacy
inches apart now
touching but not actually
he can't breathe
she doesn't want to move
both desperately want
paralyzed
yet still moving
standing tall
still staring at each other
no emotions hiding
sharing all that lays to bear
only to each other
he touches her cheek
she grabs his belt loop
he gently holds her chin
she takes his hand
warm
the charges create a spark
they both hear say yes to heaven
lana del ray
who knows what is actually playing
familiar yet new
the moment
this moment
raw
naked
alive
stirring
inevitable
present
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